It was hard. To accept a love you don’t need to work for.
You mean, I don’t have to prove myself to be loved? …I don’t know how to do that! Can someone please tell me what the catch is?
With a heart agonizing for what this love could mean. My mind would not accept that it was a truth for me. I am in a jail cell, and as I look at myself from my mind’s eye…right now, I am sitting on a cold brownish floor, bare feet, cold and alone. I curl them up to my chest and now I am swaying, from side to side. These walls cave in some days, when my thoughts fight over me. They urge me to choose a winner, but what does a winner look like?
I waited for the footsteps, they say when you hear them you will know, right? But none of that walked down that corridor, especially on the nights where darkness had a silhouette and stood at an alter with my inhibitions. They married, and they shared the wildest dreams with each other…I wanted to share them at times, but what would people think of me?
Too deep, or maybe they were too shallow. I don’t know.
But this marriage bore children. You know how they say, ‘You create your own monster’? , It’s the truth. Darkness and inhibition made horrible parents and their children were not a sight to behold.
I met Fear when she was just a little girl. She terrified me and made me play all sorts of games with her. She choked me in my sleep at night. She taught me how to build sand castles with broken walls and never respected my authority. When she got too much, I opted to babysit Failure. She knew how to throw punches. I couldn’t dare tell her parents about the abuse, she was the apple of their eye. Besides, Failure was little, how could a toddler inflict so much pain. I was afraid of her. Then I met Hate. Apparently, Darkness and Inhibition adopted him. He was a grown boy with a temper, It was virtually impossible for me to miss him. He had a temper…I don’t think you understand yet.
He had a temper.
He started dating this beautiful girl I heard about but didn’t know. Her name was Insecurity. She gave me my first cup of Rum. A paper cup, it was a dark liquid and smelt like vanilla, but was strong enough to open up my clogged nose. They mixed it with Coke and smiled at each other while my lips leaned over the brim to have my first sip of bondage.
Then…I met Addiction. It was love at first sight. They say that a good relationship is built on friendship…so I kept my feelings to myself for a while. Each sip and each time, addiction and I ended up in the same company. I wanted more of him.
See, not all the days spent in this Jail cell was bad. You got fed on time and your thirst was quenched, in drips and drabs, but it was better than nothing. I didn’t long for freedom. I didn’t long for home.
I was home…
I had friends who loved me, visited me, and knew what to say. I attended weddings here, in this jail cell and I was the guest of honor.
Walks in, without an invitation, shining a bright unwelcomed light into the comfort of my darkness and tells me to get dressed. Telling me about love, a love that darkness and inhibition never introduced me to.
I was not prepared to meet Him
The night a King requested visiting right to see me
I was not prepared to meet Him.