Disclaimer: The content of this article directly refers to individuals who have made this choice willingly. No shade will be thrown at me unecessarily, because Disclaimer really means :’Ek het jou mos gese”. Moving along :
When I first thought about writing this blog post, I was planning to exclude myself entirely, as if I never experienced this personally, but that’s a lie because I have. This is a real issue, with real implications and if you take to heart what I am sharing today, you can be freed from this pop culture ‘phenomenon’.
The urban dictionary describes a Side chick as:
“the other woman; also known as a female that is not a male’s girlfriend and who has relations with the male while he is in another relationship”.
The term ‘side chick’ is loosely and humorously thrown around amongst friends and even in our families. In fact, ‘Side chicks’ have even grown proud of their title. Commonly saying things like :
“I’d rather be a side chick then be stuck in a relationship”.
“As long as she doesn’t know about me and I don’t have to hear about her”.
“Being his side chick is better, I don’t have to be in his face all the time”.
“It’s the best of both worlds, I am single when I want to be”.
All of this really makes for compelling arguments, except being a side chick does not mean you’re single. You are in a relationship, ‘in a relationship’. It may be a temporary agreement, but it is still an agreement between three people, sadly one of you in this triangle of fatality does not even know they agreed to this extra-curriculum activity.
You are in a relationship. One that God is not pleased with and this is why:
- It was never God’s plan for you to be one!
“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD”. (Proverbs 18:22)
The bible may not provide direct instruction on dating, but it does speak about courtship. A man of God should not be putting you in this situation and you should not be accepting it as the order for your life. God’s plan for your life is the order of the day. Being a successful side chick ceases to exist in the bible. It diverts you from his plan and anytime we rebel against God’s order, chaos is inevitable.
2. Being a side chick resurrects the ‘old self’.
“In reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth”. (Ephesians 4:22-24)
You claim that the greatest benefit of being a side chick is that there are no expectations. You are wrong. The flesh is fueled by expectations, lust, pleasure, gratification are all characteristic of your flesh. When you agree to be a side chick, you are giving yourself over to your flesh. Because let’s be real for a second, ‘when it is your turn for some Q.T, does include him asking you about your future plans, your favorite songs etc? No expectations right! No wonder Paul urges us strongly to lay aside our ‘old self’. When you are a side chick you are resurrecting it.
- There are three victims in this cycle.
“But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them” (Ephesians 5:13)
Your friends will have you believe that you a victim in this mess. Did you forget you agreed? You may be a victim, but He is too and so is she. Hurt people, Hurt people. Bottomline. You can’t expect better from Him because He was clear about what He was willing to give. Quite frankly , the fact that one woman is not enough for him, should be alarming already.
You are going to get hurt, he’s going to get hurt and she’s going to get hurt. It may not happen simultaneously, but it will.
- It opens the door for demonic spirits.
Matthew 15:19-20, “For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies: These are the things which defile a man…”
How does being a side chick add to you maturing into a wife? Does it compliment what God is raising up inside of you? Making this choice in your life could have really bad implications for the ‘future you’. A low self-esteem, torn character and a negative self-image. It causes you to dislike yourself and a disbelief in real God-ordained Love and blocks out what God really wants to show you : ‘You are more than this’.
- You are guilt ridden.
“O my God, I am ashamed and blush to lift my face to you, my God, for our iniquities have risen higher than our heads, and our guilt has mounted up to the heavens.” (Ezra 9:7)
If you are a woman of God and you have made the choice to be someone’s side chick, you are most probably wracked with guilt. Especially in those moments where you find yourself alone, without ‘him’. This guilt comes from being the object of sin against another woman. Often, the guilt you experienced feels like a one-way street. A burden that was never part of God’s plan for you.
- Being a side chick has an expiration date.
For whatever a man sows he will also reap, 8 because the one who sows to his flesh will reap corruption from the flesh, but the one who sows to the Spirit will reap eternal life from the Spirit.” Galatians 6:7-8 (HCSB)
This has to be the most frightening and saddest part of it all. The entire ‘agreement’ could end as abruptly as it started. You probably won’t get any closure, which will contribute to the devastation you will experience.
You were secretly in a relationship in the beginning and now you are parting as strangers. There are those men who have claimed that they can love more than one women. Steve Harvey, in his book ‘Act like a lady, think like a man’ pins this down as a matter of fact. Funny how he can only keep you around for a period of time and then conveniently chooses who he loves more. He will call it quits, or you , or her.
It’s not worth the while. It’s not worth delaying your God ordained purpose. If you are single in this season women of God. Ask your Father what it is He wants you to learn. I have learned so much about myself , in my quest for God’s best. There were times where I really wanted to head in a completely different direction because everyone around me was in relationship and I was the third wheel at almost every social gathering
But…I wasn’t. You see, I had Him all along, I just chose not see Him that way. I know this now and I am all the better for it. I am not waiting, I am working on all of me I can before ‘he’ arrives. Right now, I am working on sharing, especially when it comes to Big Mac’s , really nice cups of tea and my time. I’ll get there, guess what? YOU WILL TOO!!!
Tatum-Lee is a Born Again Christian, a writer, blogger, English tutor, and digital content producer. She recently completed her BA Communications degree at the University of the Western Cape, where she completed her first research proposal, focused on Multilingual diversity Colored community.