Dear Inadequacy

We have never been friends, but you wormed your way through the mirror I fondly use every day. Fooled me into thinking that we could actually make this work, that embracing you, actually looked good on me. I wore you proudly and daily I was robbed of the “ME” I should be. You serenaded me and I was mesmerized by you. Carrying heavy shoulders around, to school, to work, to church and even there you were in your element. Whispering sweet nothings of how I’d be nothing without you. Inadequacy, you sound so beautiful but you inflict so much pain. I was fooled into thinking that you meant something; in fact, at the time you were all I wanted to know.

I enjoyed those nights, you know.  You had me in all kinds of ways, leading me a stray. We shared an intimacy where I rejected you, and you ran back into arms that wanted to need you, but never quite did. You had your friends, and they smiled at you counterfeit, carbon copy of me. They wished that I would fall for you, inadequacy, they wished that I would fall for you and I did, until now, I fell and fell all at their leisure. But now, my eyes have fallen upon other kinds of pleasures. The kind where I KNOW, I know that the beauty that you hid could be mine forever. You portrayed masculinity. You fooled me into thinking that I deserve the worst even when I was at the peak of my performance, you closed the drama school for my audition. Claiming I would never make it, I’d be lonely forever. You said those things to me and I believed them. I didn’t even allow any date to open the door for me, in fact “I’ll message you, don’t message me” …Inadequacy what a shameful woman you destined me to be. Inadequacy, My eyes have fallen on other kinds of pleasures

The kind where my wounds heal and my scars light up the world with hope for tomorrow. Inadequacy, you fooled me into thinking I enjoyed your stay. That the long nights we shared could ease my pain. You held me hostage and never even called for ransom. You were my master and I loved and hated being your slave, but I’ve grown brave.

Inadequacy you see this face, you have masked me for too long. You have pained my nights for the last time I swear. Inadequacy, don’t you even dare knocking on this door of self-confidence. This heart has been set on fire, by words uttered my personal Messiah. I did not even call your name the night he paid a visit. What a shame, for you that is. He didn’t even say much, he just offered a gift of peace.  I cried, in fact guess what ?I wept before the gift presented to me. It was even wrapped, I forgot to tell you, I kinda like decency, you know the type you never had.

You, inadequacy, you were in my mirror telling me all sorts of lies about who I was. You made me sick mentally and disturbed every physical aspect of who I needed to be. You played enormous cards. Here, I stand at your grave sight so adequately, with such affirmation and I do not even wish you back to life. I’m taking this good news to my sisters too, so when you reincarnate yourself and crack reflections of which they are, they’ll know and post you this.

They are all kinds of beautiful, you’ll never be, all kinds of magic, all kinds of dreams, all kinds of sunbeams. They are light, they are future, they are brave and fierce and they are all kinds of beautiful, all sizes, all kinds of beautiful.

They are loved, and deeply so. Dear Inadequacy. Rest in pieces, like the kind you use to inflict.

Tatum-lee Louw

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